Finals.

It is 11:15 pm. It has been a long, long semester. I should be sleeping or cramming. I tried the latter, reverted to an attempt at the former, and could accomplish neither. I felt like I had to write, because I have not done so for an incredibly long time. I have a final exam in eight hours and forty-four minutes. Am I prepared? Maybe? It is for limnology, and I feel like Don's amazing ecology class last semester has left me prepared to take on the world. There is still a lingering doubt in the back of my head, but I know that I can do this. In any case, I will be wearing my lucky socks, since I think that I may need their assistance.

I heard back from my major project advisor today that he was "fairly happy" with my project. I am now, of course, struggling to imagine what that might mean. I have to go pick up my draft from his office tomorrow, which means I will not be able to leave as quickly as I thought I would be able to after my final. Also, I have yet to really pack anything, so that will probably hold me back. I am somewhat sad to be leaving Minneapolis for a month. I guess it's because I didn't really get a chance to do anything fun with people to celebrate the end of the semester. I barely even got to say goodbye to anybody. There are things I was hoping to do and things that I was hoping to figure out that I did not, and I do not want to wait three weeks to do/resolve them. Maybe it is because I am not really going home until after Christmas, so I still can't unwind. The family is taking a trip out to NYC, and I am lucky enough to get one day at home before flying out there. I feel like maybe I dodged a family road trip bullet on that one. Not to say that I do not love my family, because I do, but fifteen hours in a car with tall people and a lot of luggage is not my number one favorite way to relax after a trying semester.

My group still has not put any effort into our paper's rewrite. I am so frustrated that something into which I put so much time, care, and thought is not going to get me a very good grade. I was under the impression that I was nearly failing the class, but I guess I was wrong (which is definitely good). However, the moments of panic I had were somewhat enlightening. I realized that I do not push myself far beyond my abilities and my hopes for myself in the name of fulfilling expectations for others; rather I have been making excuses for my perfectionism and stress and ambition by projecting my hopes for myself onto everybody else I know. My mom told me that there was absolutely no way she could be disappointed in me when I am going to finish college with two degrees and honors in four years. She is right. This should be good enough for me, but it is not. As much as I act nonchalantly, I am constantly at war with myself to be trying harder, striving for more, and being perfect. I am still mad at myself for getting two B+ marks in Scotland, but what could I have done? I was struggling with the illness and death of my grandfather, while trying for the first time to balance real "fun" with my academics.

It is a lesson I have to learn. There are priorities, and I am starting to find them, but I have to learn to let go of that part of me that needs to have an A on every assignment, every exam, every course. Obviously, I have not achieved that, and have managed to carry on fairly successfully, but I still believe that if I do not do well, I will not get a job, I will not be happy, and I will never (eventually) get into grad school. What do I even want to do? Honestly, doing a little Worldwide Opportunities in Organic Farming is sounding better and better. I would like to travel a bit more, and do something that is not a job and will not tie me down for a long period of time. I hate to sound cliche, but I really need to find myself before I move on from here. Another thing that has been bothering me is that I have begun to feel like I do not want to leave Minneapolis. My friends are here, and I have put down real roots. I do not want to have to start over again somewhere else. Going home, just for a month, feels like leaving a lot behind (maybe I am leaving a lot behind. That is a story of loose ends for another time), and I am having trouble imagining packing up and leaving for good in May, as much as I have stated my intention to "get out of here the second I graduate."

I do not want to go.

There are so many things to do during break, that I am not going to make up any sort of specific list or track what I do in any way. I will just say that I hope to read a few books, do a bit of cooking, spend a lot of time with the family, and see my Barringtonian friends. This may sound ridiculous, but I also want to start writing a memoir. Obviously nothing big or fancy, but something short that I can submit to Ivory Tower. I need to write more. I used to write all the time, and it felt good. This looks like it was written by a sixth grader. I used to have pride in my abilities, but I feel much less sure about them now. I miss Nuance. I signed up for photo for next semester, but I withdrew because I hate being graded for that, and being forced to spend time on it. The darkroom used to be my happy place, but I haven't been in for so long, I feel like the pressure to turn out certain assignments on time would ruin everything for me since I essentially have to relearn everything I know. I should find a community dark room. I still have film from Indianapolis that I have to process, but I'm pretty sure it got exposed.

I have so much more to say.

I saw Wilco again. They were amazing, and it was also the best night I have had in a while. My birthday was okay. It's always a little disappointing when finals get in the way of a good celebration. This semester has brought some fantastic new people into my life, and also revived old friendships. It's been satisfying, but also driven me to the edge of glory madness. I have never had so much difficulty motivating myself to write my papers, even though I have, for the most part, really enjoyed my classes. Good thing there is only one semester left, yeah?

It's all beginning to feel like it's ending.

Alba

Recollections swirl amid
the chaos of my brain
like the leaves falling so
suddenly
from the still-green trees
in an eerie and autumnal
haze, rendering the trees cold and
bare.

Their emptiness fills the
back of my mind where
the drone of bagpipes
echoes-
-not as a nuisance,
but as a reminder
of the promise made that

One day I shall return
to the land of my love
and once more I shall walk
the streets against a
bitter wind
in the twilight
of an
early afternoon,

Feeling just as content
as a less hardy woman might
on the white sands
of some
tropical beach.
Give me the purple thistle,
the grey of streets and sea and sky,
The orange hillsides of dying heather

bathed in a light such
as I
have seen nowhere else
in all of my (short) life.
A westerly glow:
ethereal,
fleeting-
but at the same time

etched
indelibly
in my memory.

a letter to my idiot congressman

The following is text from a letter I am sent to Congressman Joe Walsh, who is trying to sabotage our country. This is only one of the ways. See any of his recent appearances on cable TV for more proof on his economic attempts.



I recently received a letter from you commending me on my recent scholarship from the Inverness Garden Club. In this letter, you called my dedication to environmental issues “inspiring.” I am calling you out on this, Representative Walsh, because it seems to me as if you have certainly not been inspired by anybody with a fervent drive to protect our environment, and specifically our waters. I feel that you have certainly cheapened any intended praise. After receiving your pandering letter, I was not at all surprised to find that you cosponsored H.R. 2018, the Clean Water Cooperative Federalism Act of 2011. This bill threatens to undo the progress that our country has painstakingly made since the adoption of the Clean Water Act in 1972. Representative, I wonder how you can, with clean conscience, claim that dedication to environmental issues is inspiring, while at the same time supporting some of the most environmentally unfriendly legislation since the “Dirty Waters Act” in 1995.

All citizens of this country deserve the right to clean water, and H.R. 2018 would effectively rob them of that. Without a federal baseline for water quality, there is nothing stopping upstream states from implementing ridiculously low standards in order to attract businesses. In the short term, perhaps this would increase economic activity, but in the long term would lead to degraded health, quality of life, and economic opportunity. We are past the point where nearsightedness and a lack of planning could be considered acceptable. H.R. 2018 would essentially allow states to override National Pollutant Discharge Elimination System (NPDES) permits, removing incentive to improve or preserve water quality. As a current employee of a sewerage district, I have seen firsthand how NPDES permitting forced innovation and creative problem solving (which created jobs and boosted the economy) and resulted in significant improvement of Lake Michigan’s water quality. Without requirements, it would be easy for state and local governments to cut short-term spending by ignoring water issues, which, I am sure, is exactly the reason you supported this bill. I only wish that I had received your letter with enough time to contact you before the vote, not that you would have bothered to listen to my comments.

Our environment should not be a political issue. It is neither liberal nor conservative to care about the health of humankind. Your unwillingness to engage in dialogue, not only with the Democratic Party, but also with more moderate Republicans, is an indication that you do not respect your district. I remind you that you only won your election by 291 votes, and I would hardly call that a mandate to represent our district in a very far right-wing manner. Your letter was counterproductive, Representative, since I am not currently your constituent. I chose to register in Minnesota where I attend school, but should you choose to run in the Illinois 8th District in 2012, I will be changing my registration back to my home address so that I can vote against you and your disgusting misrepresentation of my home district’s wishes and opinions.

roots grass.

I think I'm going to start doing more things spontaneously. I wandered into a consignment store today, and subsequently met the very interesting lady who worked there. After last week's pleasant surprise when I decided to go see Midnight in Paris, I decided that spontaneity is generally nice. So, I was wandering around the store, realizing that everything cost way more than I was willing to pay (this is, after all, Shorewood), when the proprietress of the store asked if I went to Minnesota because I had the M on my bag. Her daughter goes there, and was supposed to graduate this spring, but had to retake some science or math class. The lady really wanted to talk, and was very impressed that I had passed chemistry (YOU PASS CHEMISTRY? me: um, barely. her: WONDERFUL!! ... I wish everybody were that enthusiastic about my subpar chem skills...). She really wanted to talk about global warming, and how maybe the car was a bad invention, even though she loves her car because instead of taking ten days to get somewhere, it takes one hour. Anyway, I ended up buying a pretty ugly bracelet because I wanted to buy something, but also because I really needed to go and was having trouble ending the conversation. The lady made me promise I would come back before I leave. She grabbed my arm, and said "I LOVE YOU! You do good things." That made me feel good. Her parting wisdom was that the roots grass will save us. The roots grass. Old people are snatched by greed. We need roots grass.

So, my roots grass friends, let's save the world, shall we?

time flies when you're having fun (or, you know, being lazy)

I have now been in Milwaukee for eight weeks, meaning that I have only four more weeks in this city. I can’t believe I have wasted so much time not appreciating being here. I haven’t gone to RiverWest at all, haven’t been to the Art Museum, haven’t gone to a Brewers’ game (BUT I LOVE BASEBALL SO MUCH!!), haven’t really checked out the thrift shops downtown or gone to any of the Third Ward bars. All I’ve done is hang out at Bradford Beach and go to Summerfest a gazillion times. And play some kickball and drink a lot of beer (which, I guess, is a pretty Milwaukee thing to do). I’m always so frustrated with my own inertia. It takes so much to get me to go out and see a place, since I always feel like I have way more time than I really do (case in point: Edinburgh… how much of that city did I miss? How much time did I spend hanging out in peoples’ flats or the same pub over and over? Though, those things are in themselves experiences). I haven’t gone on a single brewery tour yet!! I need somebody to come be my partner in crime!

And even if I have four weeks here, my weekend time is severely impeded. This weekend I’m working 8 hours at a community festival (it’s a jazz, blues, and gospel festival, so it should actually be awesome!), then driving straight up to Nick’s fiancee’s parents’ cottage on Lake Michigan to spend the rest of the weekend. I’m really excited about this, since in all my time in the Great Lakes/Land o’ Lakes, I have been invited to a cabin/cottage/lakehouse only once, and that time it was impossible for me to attend. Also, Nick, his fiancée, Ashley, and their friends are really quality people. I need to decide what to make tonight to bring to share! I was thinking cookies, but that is a ton of effort without a stand mixer. Maybe brownies, though I brought that to the last gathering. Also, I really don’t want to turn the oven on so much, since it’s going to be a hot hot hot (!!!) weekend. Yuck. Oh well, fun times shall be had, whatever happens!

Next weekend, I have to work four hours on Saturday morning, and then I think I might go home, but I have to decide whether to do that or go home the next weekend so I can see my little brother’s band, Flounder Gus, play in the regional Battle of the Bands. They are on FIRE! If they win there, they move on to play at the Illinois State Fair, and I’d have just enough time to go see them before I have to go back to Minnesota. August 5-7 will be my last weekend here! I plan to go see Here Come the Mummies again at the WI state fair (I HIGHLY recommend seeing them if you ever have the chance. Their show was quite possibly the most fun I have EVER had) with ye olde kickball team, then do a brewery tour cruise on Saturday. Seriously, if anybody wants to come up and join me, I am VERY open to this idea! On August 12, I’ll finish work here, drive home, head into Chicago, hang out with the delightful Tara for the night, get on a Megabus at 7 am and be on my way to Indianapolis to visit my friend Emily, whom I have not seen for, oh, more than 7 months (has it really been so long since we left Edinburgh!?)! I snagged the elusive $1.00 fare for my trip home Monday night. I’ll spend the week piloting my thesis interviews, then pack and be off to the Great White North to start my pre-term field class (SO EXCITED!).

Last week, some of my friends from high school came up to go out for dinner at the Safe House, which is a pretty cool (if ludicrously overpriced!) restaurant with a spy theme. It doesn’t say the name on the outside or anything. It’s just a little door in the alley that says something like “International Imports and Exports” or something, and you have to know it’s there, and then know the password or do some stupid task to get in. The best part: if you have to earn your right to go in, you’re on a camera that everybody in the bar and the restaurant can see, so when you go through the hidden passage and walk in, everybody claps for you. Of course, I ruined the fun and found the password on teh Interwebz and ditched the girls. They had to do Charlie’s Angels poses, which was pretty funny to watch, if a little pedestrian. We had to wait forever to get seated, but we had fun exploring the nooks and crannies and hidden passageways of the building, though we couldn’t get the secret phone booth exit to work, and I was very disappointed. All in all, it was a really fun evening and it was great to see some old friends!

I just finished Sloane Crosley’s second book, How Did You Get This Number? Those of you who know me well may know that it is my ultimate goal in life to write a wildly successful memoir or essay collection, and Sloane Crosley’s are at the level I aspire to reach. She’s hilarious, but also insightful, though I did not like this one as much as I liked I was Told There Would be Cake. I highly, highly recommend reading them if you haven’t already. They’re both fairly quick reads and definitely well worth your time. I think this is now quite long for an entry, though it hasn’t really managed to sum up all of my thoughts for the week, so expect more late. I’m VERY upset about HR 2018 passing the House, though I am comforted by the knowledge that Obama has said he will veto it if it passes the Senate, which I hope it will not, so that I can still have some faith in this country’s government.

what is happening here?

Wisconsin politics are crazy, and I say this coming from Illinois. In the wake of the recall of State Senator Alberta Darling, the Republican party recruited a fake Democrat to run in the primary to give Darling more time to prepare her campaign before the actual recall election. A primary forces the election into August, when many are on vacation, or will have forgotten their anger. The woman in question, Gladys Huber, has been very active in the Republican party and conservative activities. Yet, somehow she was able to run as a Democrat. These politicians are trying to undermine our democracy. Thankfully, it seems the "protest candidates" across the state have been defeated. Each of these candidates needed only a few hundred signature to be included on the primary ballot, while to recall the senators, a matter of tens of thousands was necessary.

Doesn't seem fair, does it?

I only have a month left in Milwaukee.

I know nobody reads this, but if you happen to stumble across this, please consider writing or calling your representative to urge a "NO" vote on HR 2018. This bill would remove any power the EPA has to regulate baselines and permits for water quality. Without a national baseline, downstream states have a distinct disadvantage in the race to the bottom, as pollution from upstream states (who don't have to worry as much about their water quality standards) will ultimately affect their waters. Everybody deserves the right to clean water, and the EPA has shown its ability to successfully implement the Clean Water Act of 1972. Do not trust the name given to HR 2018: "The Clean Water Cooperative Federalism Act of 2011." OVer 40 years,the EPA has helped states to clean up the mess that was left by a lack of regulation, and now the representatives from states who would like to pollute more (much of the force comes from mining states, who face restrictions on mountain top removal) would like to take that away from everybody.

Congressman Tim Bishop (NY) made a very eloquent response to this bill on the floor. http://timbishop.house.gov/index.cfm?sectionid=79&itemid=1898

I am writing to my representative. Please contact yours (http://www.cleanwaternetwork.org/issues-actions/legislation/clean-water-cooperative-federalism-act-2011). We have to make our voice heard now, or live without any assurance of clean, safe, fishable, or swimmable water.

http://switchboard.nrdc.org/blogs/jhadams/dont_water_down_the_clean_wate.html

stupid wisconsin!

Buhhhh! Scott Walker just signed into law a bill permitting concealed carry, and the law seems to encourage employers to place no restrictions on weapons. Employers that DO place restrictions on weapons have liability, whereas those that don’t have immunity, should any ‘incidents’ occur. Walker is such a nutjob. This is his statement concerning the bill: “By signing concealed carry into law today we are making Wisconsin safer for all responsible, law abiding citizens. This legislation has been in the works for a long time—I co-sponsored a similar bill when I was a member of the State Assembly. I am pleased the Legislature approved a bill that included training and permits. Today I would like to specifically thank Senator Galloway and Representatives Mursau and Suder for moving forward this important public safety bill."

Public safety? Hardly! This legislation makes it LESS safe for all ‘responsible, law abiding citizens’ because (and I know this is a fallacy here, I’m just mad) many of the people who are going to be USING those guns in ‘self-defense’ are the sort of people who would shoot first and ask questions later. Maybe I should just get a gun so I can defend myself against every person I see in the street who could be carrying a gun with them. Stranger approaches a young girl, walking alone at night, BAM. “Oh whoops, he just wanted to know when the bus was coming!”

Interestingly enough, this leaves Illinois as the only state in the Union that does not have some form of concealed carry.