I heard back from my major project advisor today that he was "fairly happy" with my project. I am now, of course, struggling to imagine what that might mean. I have to go pick up my draft from his office tomorrow, which means I will not be able to leave as quickly as I thought I would be able to after my final. Also, I have yet to really pack anything, so that will probably hold me back. I am somewhat sad to be leaving Minneapolis for a month. I guess it's because I didn't really get a chance to do anything fun with people to celebrate the end of the semester. I barely even got to say goodbye to anybody. There are things I was hoping to do and things that I was hoping to figure out that I did not, and I do not want to wait three weeks to do/resolve them. Maybe it is because I am not really going home until after Christmas, so I still can't unwind. The family is taking a trip out to NYC, and I am lucky enough to get one day at home before flying out there. I feel like maybe I dodged a family road trip bullet on that one. Not to say that I do not love my family, because I do, but fifteen hours in a car with tall people and a lot of luggage is not my number one favorite way to relax after a trying semester.
My group still has not put any effort into our paper's rewrite. I am so frustrated that something into which I put so much time, care, and thought is not going to get me a very good grade. I was under the impression that I was nearly failing the class, but I guess I was wrong (which is definitely good). However, the moments of panic I had were somewhat enlightening. I realized that I do not push myself far beyond my abilities and my hopes for myself in the name of fulfilling expectations for others; rather I have been making excuses for my perfectionism and stress and ambition by projecting my hopes for myself onto everybody else I know. My mom told me that there was absolutely no way she could be disappointed in me when I am going to finish college with two degrees and honors in four years. She is right. This should be good enough for me, but it is not. As much as I act nonchalantly, I am constantly at war with myself to be trying harder, striving for more, and being perfect. I am still mad at myself for getting two B+ marks in Scotland, but what could I have done? I was struggling with the illness and death of my grandfather, while trying for the first time to balance real "fun" with my academics.
It is a lesson I have to learn. There are priorities, and I am starting to find them, but I have to learn to let go of that part of me that needs to have an A on every assignment, every exam, every course. Obviously, I have not achieved that, and have managed to carry on fairly successfully, but I still believe that if I do not do well, I will not get a job, I will not be happy, and I will never (eventually) get into grad school. What do I even want to do? Honestly, doing a little Worldwide Opportunities in Organic Farming is sounding better and better. I would like to travel a bit more, and do something that is not a job and will not tie me down for a long period of time. I hate to sound cliche, but I really need to find myself before I move on from here. Another thing that has been bothering me is that I have begun to feel like I do not want to leave Minneapolis. My friends are here, and I have put down real roots. I do not want to have to start over again somewhere else. Going home, just for a month, feels like leaving a lot behind (maybe I am leaving a lot behind. That is a story of loose ends for another time), and I am having trouble imagining packing up and leaving for good in May, as much as I have stated my intention to "get out of here the second I graduate."
I do not want to go.
There are so many things to do during break, that I am not going to make up any sort of specific list or track what I do in any way. I will just say that I hope to read a few books, do a bit of cooking, spend a lot of time with the family, and see my Barringtonian friends. This may sound ridiculous, but I also want to start writing a memoir. Obviously nothing big or fancy, but something short that I can submit to Ivory Tower. I need to write more. I used to write all the time, and it felt good. This looks like it was written by a sixth grader. I used to have pride in my abilities, but I feel much less sure about them now. I miss Nuance. I signed up for photo for next semester, but I withdrew because I hate being graded for that, and being forced to spend time on it. The darkroom used to be my happy place, but I haven't been in for so long, I feel like the pressure to turn out certain assignments on time would ruin everything for me since I essentially have to relearn everything I know. I should find a community dark room. I still have film from Indianapolis that I have to process, but I'm pretty sure it got exposed.
I have so much more to say.
I saw Wilco again. They were amazing, and it was also the best night I have had in a while. My birthday was okay. It's always a little disappointing when finals get in the way of a good celebration. This semester has brought some fantastic new people into my life, and also revived old friendships. It's been satisfying, but also driven me to the edge of
It's all beginning to feel like it's ending.
