We've Got to Stay Positive (Or, There are Clearly too Many References to the Hold Steady in my Life)

I have a goal for the summer. It is a very small goal, but I think it will make a huge difference in my life. It has been a goal of mine for such a long time, but now I am very, very committed. I listen to myself complaining to my friends, my family, people whom I have just met. I need to stop. I hear myself, and I try, but once you pop, you just can't stop.

Here are the facts: I have my wonderful family, I have an apartment, I have a cool roommate, I have a job, I have a car, I have the best friends I could ever ask for (so they are scattered across the US and the UK, and very few happen to be in my direct geographic locality, but they are amazing nonetheless). I want to thank all of you for putting up with my negativity and still being willing to be my friend. I absolutely do not deserve your patience. But I am going to try very hard to stop it, because I am sick of myself.

Last night was Relay for Life. It came at the end of a (no good very bad terrible) horrible day, that was only horrible by my internal exaggeration. There's a lyric in a Hold Steady (of course) song, "It's not always a positive thing/to see a few seconds into the future." Every time I do something, the possible negative outcome(s) immediately pops into my head. When this happens, that usually becomes the end result, as implausible as it may seem. Am I sabotaging myself? Is there really power to positive thinking? Who knows, but perhaps it is worth a try. I embarrassed myself today, then I spent the entire drive home from Milwaukee steaming about it, and preying on my unfortunate ramble victims (you know who you are and I love you all).

I didn't really want to come home, surprisingly, but I'm glad I did. Last year, at Relay, during the Luminaria Lap, I never would have expected that one year later, I would be standing in front of both my grandmother and my grandfather's luminaria. Without my even saying it, my mom exactly echoed my thought while we stood staring dumbly at the two tiny white paper bags, lit with glow sticks on the track at my old high school. Of course, I was crying. I couldn't find Jeff. I was upset. After walking once more around the track with my mom, he was there in front of the luminaria. The three of us stood there hugging and crying for a long time. It doesn't seem real, still, to me. In two weeks, we are finally going to bury my grandfather's ashes. Those of you who were my readers during my time in Scotland will recall that he died in November. The ashes aren't going to be able to go in the place he requested. I don't know how I feel about the whole thing. Sometimes I take out a pen and a piece of paper to start writing a letter, and then I remember that I can't. Anyway, Relay is always an amazing and heartwarming experience, as much as I complain about how inevitably cold and miserable the weather is. Jeff's band played, and raised $50 by saying that their bassist would take off his shirt when enough money came in. That sounds slightly less than legal, but hey, money for cancer research is good. I have to write thank you notes to the people in my office at Agency X whom I do not know, but donated to me anyway. Then I have to find their offices. Such nice people.

After experiencing some westbound MKE traffic, I don't want to have to drive to Minneapolis for Independence Day. While it would be nice to spend it with the family, I'd have to drive at least 12 hours over my three day weekend, and the gas would still cost at least $100. I could take that money and put it towards visiting Kathryn (we realized the other day that we have been best friends since the second day of kindergarten- awwww) in Rochester, or going to DC, or visiting another friend in Colorado (a place I have ALWAYS wanted to go and never been). I wish I would have some free time this summer, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to get out much earlier than the 19th, and my pre-fall term class is the miraculous entity that will allow me to graduate on time.

I think my brain is dying. I've been leaving my water bottle at home, forgetting to put my lunch in the fridge, and doing other stupid things. I had a whole tray of vegetable seedlings to bring my mom, and I left them on my desk at the office. I remembered my toothbrush, but I forgot to bring home my deodorant. I forgot to bring work clothes home with me so I may have to go home Sunday night instead of going straight to work Monday morning. I go to the grocery store to buy something specific, and forget to buy it. I come home and want to bring something specific back, and don't remember it. I drive somewhere and have no idea how I got from point A to point B. I've always been a scatterbrain, but I feel this is extreme and I dislike it immensely.

I've been having some self-image issues lately. On the one hand, I feel like I have been looking pretty good lately (though, I haven't been losing total weight, it seems). My face looks older (in a good way), and less round, and my hair has been really nice lately, aside from the ridiculous humidity. But my seeming inability to make friends has made me question myself, or my approach to talking with people, or something like that. On the other hand, my boss at Agency X has had nothing but great things to say about my work. He looked at my initial outline and said he loved it and I was full of great ideas, and then again, today, he told me how impressed he was with my work from yesterday, and he's adding me on to another important project.

I need to go to a concert soon. I need to start dancing again. I don't ever feel as good or as beautiful as I do when I'm dancing. The last time I went, one of the best dancers there said I was a great follow, and I could feel myself improving as the night went on. Having not danced for about a year before that, I was just beaming at the praise. I missed an opportunity to dance on Wednesday night while I was being an idiot. I need to live a little. I'm going to stay positive.