Finals.

It is 11:15 pm. It has been a long, long semester. I should be sleeping or cramming. I tried the latter, reverted to an attempt at the former, and could accomplish neither. I felt like I had to write, because I have not done so for an incredibly long time. I have a final exam in eight hours and forty-four minutes. Am I prepared? Maybe? It is for limnology, and I feel like Don's amazing ecology class last semester has left me prepared to take on the world. There is still a lingering doubt in the back of my head, but I know that I can do this. In any case, I will be wearing my lucky socks, since I think that I may need their assistance.

I heard back from my major project advisor today that he was "fairly happy" with my project. I am now, of course, struggling to imagine what that might mean. I have to go pick up my draft from his office tomorrow, which means I will not be able to leave as quickly as I thought I would be able to after my final. Also, I have yet to really pack anything, so that will probably hold me back. I am somewhat sad to be leaving Minneapolis for a month. I guess it's because I didn't really get a chance to do anything fun with people to celebrate the end of the semester. I barely even got to say goodbye to anybody. There are things I was hoping to do and things that I was hoping to figure out that I did not, and I do not want to wait three weeks to do/resolve them. Maybe it is because I am not really going home until after Christmas, so I still can't unwind. The family is taking a trip out to NYC, and I am lucky enough to get one day at home before flying out there. I feel like maybe I dodged a family road trip bullet on that one. Not to say that I do not love my family, because I do, but fifteen hours in a car with tall people and a lot of luggage is not my number one favorite way to relax after a trying semester.

My group still has not put any effort into our paper's rewrite. I am so frustrated that something into which I put so much time, care, and thought is not going to get me a very good grade. I was under the impression that I was nearly failing the class, but I guess I was wrong (which is definitely good). However, the moments of panic I had were somewhat enlightening. I realized that I do not push myself far beyond my abilities and my hopes for myself in the name of fulfilling expectations for others; rather I have been making excuses for my perfectionism and stress and ambition by projecting my hopes for myself onto everybody else I know. My mom told me that there was absolutely no way she could be disappointed in me when I am going to finish college with two degrees and honors in four years. She is right. This should be good enough for me, but it is not. As much as I act nonchalantly, I am constantly at war with myself to be trying harder, striving for more, and being perfect. I am still mad at myself for getting two B+ marks in Scotland, but what could I have done? I was struggling with the illness and death of my grandfather, while trying for the first time to balance real "fun" with my academics.

It is a lesson I have to learn. There are priorities, and I am starting to find them, but I have to learn to let go of that part of me that needs to have an A on every assignment, every exam, every course. Obviously, I have not achieved that, and have managed to carry on fairly successfully, but I still believe that if I do not do well, I will not get a job, I will not be happy, and I will never (eventually) get into grad school. What do I even want to do? Honestly, doing a little Worldwide Opportunities in Organic Farming is sounding better and better. I would like to travel a bit more, and do something that is not a job and will not tie me down for a long period of time. I hate to sound cliche, but I really need to find myself before I move on from here. Another thing that has been bothering me is that I have begun to feel like I do not want to leave Minneapolis. My friends are here, and I have put down real roots. I do not want to have to start over again somewhere else. Going home, just for a month, feels like leaving a lot behind (maybe I am leaving a lot behind. That is a story of loose ends for another time), and I am having trouble imagining packing up and leaving for good in May, as much as I have stated my intention to "get out of here the second I graduate."

I do not want to go.

There are so many things to do during break, that I am not going to make up any sort of specific list or track what I do in any way. I will just say that I hope to read a few books, do a bit of cooking, spend a lot of time with the family, and see my Barringtonian friends. This may sound ridiculous, but I also want to start writing a memoir. Obviously nothing big or fancy, but something short that I can submit to Ivory Tower. I need to write more. I used to write all the time, and it felt good. This looks like it was written by a sixth grader. I used to have pride in my abilities, but I feel much less sure about them now. I miss Nuance. I signed up for photo for next semester, but I withdrew because I hate being graded for that, and being forced to spend time on it. The darkroom used to be my happy place, but I haven't been in for so long, I feel like the pressure to turn out certain assignments on time would ruin everything for me since I essentially have to relearn everything I know. I should find a community dark room. I still have film from Indianapolis that I have to process, but I'm pretty sure it got exposed.

I have so much more to say.

I saw Wilco again. They were amazing, and it was also the best night I have had in a while. My birthday was okay. It's always a little disappointing when finals get in the way of a good celebration. This semester has brought some fantastic new people into my life, and also revived old friendships. It's been satisfying, but also driven me to the edge of glory madness. I have never had so much difficulty motivating myself to write my papers, even though I have, for the most part, really enjoyed my classes. Good thing there is only one semester left, yeah?

It's all beginning to feel like it's ending.

Alba

Recollections swirl amid
the chaos of my brain
like the leaves falling so
suddenly
from the still-green trees
in an eerie and autumnal
haze, rendering the trees cold and
bare.

Their emptiness fills the
back of my mind where
the drone of bagpipes
echoes-
-not as a nuisance,
but as a reminder
of the promise made that

One day I shall return
to the land of my love
and once more I shall walk
the streets against a
bitter wind
in the twilight
of an
early afternoon,

Feeling just as content
as a less hardy woman might
on the white sands
of some
tropical beach.
Give me the purple thistle,
the grey of streets and sea and sky,
The orange hillsides of dying heather

bathed in a light such
as I
have seen nowhere else
in all of my (short) life.
A westerly glow:
ethereal,
fleeting-
but at the same time

etched
indelibly
in my memory.

a letter to my idiot congressman

The following is text from a letter I am sent to Congressman Joe Walsh, who is trying to sabotage our country. This is only one of the ways. See any of his recent appearances on cable TV for more proof on his economic attempts.



I recently received a letter from you commending me on my recent scholarship from the Inverness Garden Club. In this letter, you called my dedication to environmental issues “inspiring.” I am calling you out on this, Representative Walsh, because it seems to me as if you have certainly not been inspired by anybody with a fervent drive to protect our environment, and specifically our waters. I feel that you have certainly cheapened any intended praise. After receiving your pandering letter, I was not at all surprised to find that you cosponsored H.R. 2018, the Clean Water Cooperative Federalism Act of 2011. This bill threatens to undo the progress that our country has painstakingly made since the adoption of the Clean Water Act in 1972. Representative, I wonder how you can, with clean conscience, claim that dedication to environmental issues is inspiring, while at the same time supporting some of the most environmentally unfriendly legislation since the “Dirty Waters Act” in 1995.

All citizens of this country deserve the right to clean water, and H.R. 2018 would effectively rob them of that. Without a federal baseline for water quality, there is nothing stopping upstream states from implementing ridiculously low standards in order to attract businesses. In the short term, perhaps this would increase economic activity, but in the long term would lead to degraded health, quality of life, and economic opportunity. We are past the point where nearsightedness and a lack of planning could be considered acceptable. H.R. 2018 would essentially allow states to override National Pollutant Discharge Elimination System (NPDES) permits, removing incentive to improve or preserve water quality. As a current employee of a sewerage district, I have seen firsthand how NPDES permitting forced innovation and creative problem solving (which created jobs and boosted the economy) and resulted in significant improvement of Lake Michigan’s water quality. Without requirements, it would be easy for state and local governments to cut short-term spending by ignoring water issues, which, I am sure, is exactly the reason you supported this bill. I only wish that I had received your letter with enough time to contact you before the vote, not that you would have bothered to listen to my comments.

Our environment should not be a political issue. It is neither liberal nor conservative to care about the health of humankind. Your unwillingness to engage in dialogue, not only with the Democratic Party, but also with more moderate Republicans, is an indication that you do not respect your district. I remind you that you only won your election by 291 votes, and I would hardly call that a mandate to represent our district in a very far right-wing manner. Your letter was counterproductive, Representative, since I am not currently your constituent. I chose to register in Minnesota where I attend school, but should you choose to run in the Illinois 8th District in 2012, I will be changing my registration back to my home address so that I can vote against you and your disgusting misrepresentation of my home district’s wishes and opinions.

roots grass.

I think I'm going to start doing more things spontaneously. I wandered into a consignment store today, and subsequently met the very interesting lady who worked there. After last week's pleasant surprise when I decided to go see Midnight in Paris, I decided that spontaneity is generally nice. So, I was wandering around the store, realizing that everything cost way more than I was willing to pay (this is, after all, Shorewood), when the proprietress of the store asked if I went to Minnesota because I had the M on my bag. Her daughter goes there, and was supposed to graduate this spring, but had to retake some science or math class. The lady really wanted to talk, and was very impressed that I had passed chemistry (YOU PASS CHEMISTRY? me: um, barely. her: WONDERFUL!! ... I wish everybody were that enthusiastic about my subpar chem skills...). She really wanted to talk about global warming, and how maybe the car was a bad invention, even though she loves her car because instead of taking ten days to get somewhere, it takes one hour. Anyway, I ended up buying a pretty ugly bracelet because I wanted to buy something, but also because I really needed to go and was having trouble ending the conversation. The lady made me promise I would come back before I leave. She grabbed my arm, and said "I LOVE YOU! You do good things." That made me feel good. Her parting wisdom was that the roots grass will save us. The roots grass. Old people are snatched by greed. We need roots grass.

So, my roots grass friends, let's save the world, shall we?

time flies when you're having fun (or, you know, being lazy)

I have now been in Milwaukee for eight weeks, meaning that I have only four more weeks in this city. I can’t believe I have wasted so much time not appreciating being here. I haven’t gone to RiverWest at all, haven’t been to the Art Museum, haven’t gone to a Brewers’ game (BUT I LOVE BASEBALL SO MUCH!!), haven’t really checked out the thrift shops downtown or gone to any of the Third Ward bars. All I’ve done is hang out at Bradford Beach and go to Summerfest a gazillion times. And play some kickball and drink a lot of beer (which, I guess, is a pretty Milwaukee thing to do). I’m always so frustrated with my own inertia. It takes so much to get me to go out and see a place, since I always feel like I have way more time than I really do (case in point: Edinburgh… how much of that city did I miss? How much time did I spend hanging out in peoples’ flats or the same pub over and over? Though, those things are in themselves experiences). I haven’t gone on a single brewery tour yet!! I need somebody to come be my partner in crime!

And even if I have four weeks here, my weekend time is severely impeded. This weekend I’m working 8 hours at a community festival (it’s a jazz, blues, and gospel festival, so it should actually be awesome!), then driving straight up to Nick’s fiancee’s parents’ cottage on Lake Michigan to spend the rest of the weekend. I’m really excited about this, since in all my time in the Great Lakes/Land o’ Lakes, I have been invited to a cabin/cottage/lakehouse only once, and that time it was impossible for me to attend. Also, Nick, his fiancée, Ashley, and their friends are really quality people. I need to decide what to make tonight to bring to share! I was thinking cookies, but that is a ton of effort without a stand mixer. Maybe brownies, though I brought that to the last gathering. Also, I really don’t want to turn the oven on so much, since it’s going to be a hot hot hot (!!!) weekend. Yuck. Oh well, fun times shall be had, whatever happens!

Next weekend, I have to work four hours on Saturday morning, and then I think I might go home, but I have to decide whether to do that or go home the next weekend so I can see my little brother’s band, Flounder Gus, play in the regional Battle of the Bands. They are on FIRE! If they win there, they move on to play at the Illinois State Fair, and I’d have just enough time to go see them before I have to go back to Minnesota. August 5-7 will be my last weekend here! I plan to go see Here Come the Mummies again at the WI state fair (I HIGHLY recommend seeing them if you ever have the chance. Their show was quite possibly the most fun I have EVER had) with ye olde kickball team, then do a brewery tour cruise on Saturday. Seriously, if anybody wants to come up and join me, I am VERY open to this idea! On August 12, I’ll finish work here, drive home, head into Chicago, hang out with the delightful Tara for the night, get on a Megabus at 7 am and be on my way to Indianapolis to visit my friend Emily, whom I have not seen for, oh, more than 7 months (has it really been so long since we left Edinburgh!?)! I snagged the elusive $1.00 fare for my trip home Monday night. I’ll spend the week piloting my thesis interviews, then pack and be off to the Great White North to start my pre-term field class (SO EXCITED!).

Last week, some of my friends from high school came up to go out for dinner at the Safe House, which is a pretty cool (if ludicrously overpriced!) restaurant with a spy theme. It doesn’t say the name on the outside or anything. It’s just a little door in the alley that says something like “International Imports and Exports” or something, and you have to know it’s there, and then know the password or do some stupid task to get in. The best part: if you have to earn your right to go in, you’re on a camera that everybody in the bar and the restaurant can see, so when you go through the hidden passage and walk in, everybody claps for you. Of course, I ruined the fun and found the password on teh Interwebz and ditched the girls. They had to do Charlie’s Angels poses, which was pretty funny to watch, if a little pedestrian. We had to wait forever to get seated, but we had fun exploring the nooks and crannies and hidden passageways of the building, though we couldn’t get the secret phone booth exit to work, and I was very disappointed. All in all, it was a really fun evening and it was great to see some old friends!

I just finished Sloane Crosley’s second book, How Did You Get This Number? Those of you who know me well may know that it is my ultimate goal in life to write a wildly successful memoir or essay collection, and Sloane Crosley’s are at the level I aspire to reach. She’s hilarious, but also insightful, though I did not like this one as much as I liked I was Told There Would be Cake. I highly, highly recommend reading them if you haven’t already. They’re both fairly quick reads and definitely well worth your time. I think this is now quite long for an entry, though it hasn’t really managed to sum up all of my thoughts for the week, so expect more late. I’m VERY upset about HR 2018 passing the House, though I am comforted by the knowledge that Obama has said he will veto it if it passes the Senate, which I hope it will not, so that I can still have some faith in this country’s government.

what is happening here?

Wisconsin politics are crazy, and I say this coming from Illinois. In the wake of the recall of State Senator Alberta Darling, the Republican party recruited a fake Democrat to run in the primary to give Darling more time to prepare her campaign before the actual recall election. A primary forces the election into August, when many are on vacation, or will have forgotten their anger. The woman in question, Gladys Huber, has been very active in the Republican party and conservative activities. Yet, somehow she was able to run as a Democrat. These politicians are trying to undermine our democracy. Thankfully, it seems the "protest candidates" across the state have been defeated. Each of these candidates needed only a few hundred signature to be included on the primary ballot, while to recall the senators, a matter of tens of thousands was necessary.

Doesn't seem fair, does it?

I only have a month left in Milwaukee.

I know nobody reads this, but if you happen to stumble across this, please consider writing or calling your representative to urge a "NO" vote on HR 2018. This bill would remove any power the EPA has to regulate baselines and permits for water quality. Without a national baseline, downstream states have a distinct disadvantage in the race to the bottom, as pollution from upstream states (who don't have to worry as much about their water quality standards) will ultimately affect their waters. Everybody deserves the right to clean water, and the EPA has shown its ability to successfully implement the Clean Water Act of 1972. Do not trust the name given to HR 2018: "The Clean Water Cooperative Federalism Act of 2011." OVer 40 years,the EPA has helped states to clean up the mess that was left by a lack of regulation, and now the representatives from states who would like to pollute more (much of the force comes from mining states, who face restrictions on mountain top removal) would like to take that away from everybody.

Congressman Tim Bishop (NY) made a very eloquent response to this bill on the floor. http://timbishop.house.gov/index.cfm?sectionid=79&itemid=1898

I am writing to my representative. Please contact yours (http://www.cleanwaternetwork.org/issues-actions/legislation/clean-water-cooperative-federalism-act-2011). We have to make our voice heard now, or live without any assurance of clean, safe, fishable, or swimmable water.

http://switchboard.nrdc.org/blogs/jhadams/dont_water_down_the_clean_wate.html

stupid wisconsin!

Buhhhh! Scott Walker just signed into law a bill permitting concealed carry, and the law seems to encourage employers to place no restrictions on weapons. Employers that DO place restrictions on weapons have liability, whereas those that don’t have immunity, should any ‘incidents’ occur. Walker is such a nutjob. This is his statement concerning the bill: “By signing concealed carry into law today we are making Wisconsin safer for all responsible, law abiding citizens. This legislation has been in the works for a long time—I co-sponsored a similar bill when I was a member of the State Assembly. I am pleased the Legislature approved a bill that included training and permits. Today I would like to specifically thank Senator Galloway and Representatives Mursau and Suder for moving forward this important public safety bill."

Public safety? Hardly! This legislation makes it LESS safe for all ‘responsible, law abiding citizens’ because (and I know this is a fallacy here, I’m just mad) many of the people who are going to be USING those guns in ‘self-defense’ are the sort of people who would shoot first and ask questions later. Maybe I should just get a gun so I can defend myself against every person I see in the street who could be carrying a gun with them. Stranger approaches a young girl, walking alone at night, BAM. “Oh whoops, he just wanted to know when the bus was coming!”

Interestingly enough, this leaves Illinois as the only state in the Union that does not have some form of concealed carry.

constructive summer

It's been a few weeks, my friends (should I say friend, since there is apparently only one person reading this blog? Wooo, Emily!), and has it ever been an eventful few weeks. And when I say few weeks, I mean nearly a month. Whoops. I have now finished 7 weeks of my internship, which means that I have only 5 to go. I'm working weekends to cut off the 6th week that I was supposed to have, but need off to work on my thesis and pack.

Oy, my thesis. That's a topic for later. Back to the issues at hand- I am working every weekend, but usually only on Saturday mornings. I have to work all day next Saturday, and I'll probably go home the weekend after that. This means that I have, effectively, 3 more weekends in Milwaukee. Just as I was starting to love it and feel pretty comfortable, I'm going to be wrenched away. At least, for once, I will be returning to familiar territory. I'm so glad to be staying in my house from last year when I go back to Minneapolis. It sure makes moving easier. So, in three weekends, there are at least 6 brewery/distillery tours I need to cover, I want to take a river cruise, I have to go to the Calatrava, the Public Museum, hit up a Brewers Game, ride on the Hank Aaron State Trail, go to the Domes, and eat as much frozen custard and drink as much beer as possible.

I think I'm setting myself up for disappointment, here. I won't be able to do all of those in the time left. If there's one thing I've learned about myself over the last year, it's that I am nothing if not adaptable. Drop me anywhere, and I will ache for the first few weeks and whine and moan, but eventually, without my even noticing, I will be fine. I can handle things. It just takes a while. And with all the constant movement I've had in the last year, I haven't had a chance to get settled in before it's time to move on. I've been living on an air mattress for 7 weeks, and at this point, I am managing to ignore the back pain, and sleep through the night. I've finally started making friends at the office, and I don't eat lunch by myself every day anymore. All of this has severely cut down on my reading, though, and made my expenditures skyrocket. Then again, what am I spending my money on aside from room and board right now? Very little. I deserve to have a fun summer. It would have been more fun if I'd had time to make the trips I've been wanting to make, but I am now almost completely certain that I will at least be able to make it to Indianapolis the weekend I finish up work. Then, I have a few days in Chicago to run my thesis pilot, see my friends for a bit, and pack up.

My thesis- it's not going great. I agreed to work on it when I didn't have a job lined up for the summer, but when I got one pretty last minute, I couldn't back out of the thesis. I downloaded a load of articles that claimed to have anything to do with compost, and as I have started skimming through them, very few will actually be useful, and I don't understand much of the social science statistics used in the salient literature. So, in summary, I am screwed.

But let us speak of other things. Kickball has been fun. The team is great. Unfortunately, my best friend from the team, Morgan, is moving back to Green Bay this week, so who knows when or if I will ever even see her again! We've only been friends for 3 weeks or so, but everybody asks us if we've been friends since elementary school or something. Sometimes, two people just click as instant friends. I've been lucky with that a few times recently, but normally it takes me ages to warm up to people, and vice versa. The roomie and I have been going to trivia, and we got 3rd place last week, which I think was pretty damn good (as we only lost 1st by maybe 4 points). Matt wants me to come down this Saturday for the IL bar trivia champs, but I have to work. BOOOOO!

Summerfest has been going on for the last week, and I'm so glad I got the chance to go multiple times. I definitely missed a lot of bands I'd love to see, but I got to catch Girl Talk, Cage the Elephant, Florence and the Machine, The Black Keys, the Sam Roberts Band, Here Come the Mummies, and Michael Franti and Spearhead. I've been waiting since I originally became a fan of the Keys in like, 2005 to see them, and it was amazing. I wish I'd had the chance to see them before they got huge, though, because I imagine a grimy club show would have been way more awesome than a packed amphitheater. I was so far away, but I still loved every second of it. I'm going to see Ted Leo in 3 weeks, and I'm really jazzed for that. Matt, Hannah, and Hannah's friend Jeannie, whom I'd met on Hannah's 21st, came up for Girl Talk, and it was fun to have people visit. I ended up going home for the 4th because I like air conditioning. Nobody was home, so I also got to relax. I chilled with Amy most of the weekend, which was really nice since I hadn't been able to see her for like, a year.

Speaking of long-time childhood friends, I went to Buffalo 2 weeks ago on rather sad terms (we were burying my grandpa's ashes. He died about 7.5 months ago), but saw all of my mom's side of the family, which is always great, and got to spend nearly an entire day with Kathryn, who was nice enough to drive in from the Roch. It sucks when you only get to see your bff a few days per year. We had a really good time though, wandering through a farmers' market (we got to pet alpaca!) then eating at a really yummy Vietnamese place, getting lost, and playing with my tiny cousins. We went bowling with my mom and aunts at night, and had a splendid time. I think I was able to hold up as well as I did over the weekend because Kathryn was there. Some people just bolster you. I know I've said this so many times, but I hope it doesn't lose meaning to any of you as I repeat it: I am so lucky for my friends. Without those of you who were with me in Scotland, when you barely knew me, you saved me. I would have totally, completely, and absolutely lost it if it hadn't been for all of you. I miss you dearly. Also, all of my friends at home who were willing to take my transatlantic phone calls or Skype at weird hours, and even people who just wrote on my fb wall or commented on my blog occasionally, you helped me get through such a difficult time.

All of that came back while I was in Buffalo. For the rest of my family, this wasn't really a big deal. They'd been together while they were going through all of this, and they'd been back to Buffalo since it happened. This was the first time I was back in the house. It was all so different from the last time I had been there. I know they changed things before he died, but to me, it was like being in a dream where you are in someplace that is so familiar, but the tiny changes make it extremely disorienting. I went downstairs, half expecting my grandpa to be there with a cup of coffee for me like he had been so many times before, but of course, then I quickly remembered what I was doing in Buffalo in the first place. My cousin, who is 10, kept asking me if Maddy (the dog) seemed sadder than usual, and then talking very seriously to her about the big changes around the house. I don't know how to respond to small children most of the time, and I was especially overwhelmed by trying to deal with a small child who was trying to deal with death. That just made me feel eight thousand times worse. It was kind of precious, in a weird way, though.

It's so weird to think that I don't know if I will ever go back to Buffalo. I spent so much time there, and in the 36 hours I was back over that weekend, I wanted to squeeze in all of my favorite Buffalo things. The only one I managed was Andersen's custard, and that happened while I was sitting in the car crying my head off after we buried him. Putt-putt golf, wings at Duff's, Shakespeare in Delaware Park, the painting elephant, Condrell's, Parkside, the North Tonawanda farmers' market, Niagara Falls, Old Man River, the harbor... the list goes on and on. I never realized how much I loved Buffalo (despite how much Buffalo freaks me out) until it occurred to me that I don't really have a reason to go there anymore.

So many of my formative moments took place in that city. My first rollerblading memory was in Delaware Park. The first Christmas I remember was in the house where my mother grew up. Grandpa read us Edward Lear, and I have a vague memory of Grandma playing horsy with us when I was very, very small. I realized also that I have very many fewer memories of her than I suspected were stored in my head. We were digging through a box of Grandpa's stuff, and I found some articles and more pictures. Everybody looked so elegant back in the day. There is a picture of me from Scotland on top of Arthur's Seat in which I, according to my aunt, look very much like my grandma. I wish I could have had a chance to have known her well enough to reflect upon that with meaning.

Shit, all of this is just coming out now. I'm bawling. I shouldn't be allowed to stay up past midnight and start waxing philosophical and rambling my head off. I apologize, dear reader(s?).

Reading Vonnegut reminds me of my Grandpa. He met Vonnegut at a party once.

I hate when people continually say that somebody "passed." Let's just call a spade a spade, please.

I think this is getting to rambly and weird, so though I have barely scratched the surface here, I'm going to end it. Maybe there will be more later. If not here, in my memoirs.

Theories

A friend of mine, this morning, posted a link to another one of Michele Bachmann's crazy-ass ideas. Michele Bachmann is one of many who thinks we should be teaching "intelligent design" in our schools, because the government shouldn't teach one side of an uncertain issue without touching the other side. She is another of those "evolution is just a theory" nutjobs. I wish that news coverage of these people would first and foremost explain what a scientific theory is. Relativity is a theory. Gravity is a theory. These theories are developed based on observable facts and logic, especially logic. How can anybody make an assertion that something that has not been peer-reviewed, something that can never be peer reviewed because there is absolutely nothing to support it, belongs in schools?

I am taking a class next semester called "the evolution-creationism controversy." This is something about which I am passionate. Science education is necessary, not only for the US to be competitive in the future, but also because the development of critical thinking helps people analyze the world around them, and make better decisions in life. Critical thinking from science education has helped me in every aspect of my life from work to judging the reliability of a narrator in a work of fiction. Creationism, "intelligent design," whatever you want to call it, does not develop any of these skills, aside from being nowhere near anything that could be considered a valid or testable theory. Creationism breeds zombies. I know that sometimes I am exasperated with the state of our country, but I know also that I was privileged to grow up here in freedom and have the opportunity to learn about science without an intrusive government agenda. Should people like the Tea Party and Michele Bachmann gain any sort of real power and disassemble our educational system, we would be headed towards a religious state. To me, this is like the concept in social psychology where once you get your foot in the door, you can pretty much do anything. When people agreed to display a tiny "drive safely" sign in their car window, these people were far more likely to agree to put a giant billboard in their front lawn than somebody who hadn't been asked the original request. We can't let the crazies get their feet in our doors.

Science is science. Science is not religion. Science is observable. Science changes and improves. Science is not out to get people, it is out to help us understand the world in which we live. When Michele Bachmann gets sick, I'm sure she goes to a doctor and takes medicine, which has been tested. Just because we haven't observed that taking that pill doesn't cause your head to explode doesn't mean that it isn't a possibility that it could happen. It's a theory, based on extensive trials, that taking it will make you better.

Michele Bachmann is a racist and a homophobe. I'm sure that if she were president and some local schools decided that it was in their best interest to teach that being homosexual is a-okay, she would find a way to stop that from happening at the federal level. She's trying her damndest to control peoples' ability to marry the ones they love. Maybe she should get her goddamn nose out of everybody's business and go learn the definition of scientific theory.

ass like that

Shocking title? No, just the name of the kickball team I joined. I didn't know what the name was when I joined the team, but apparently it came from a random wikipedia search (how? I do not know.) These are our illustrious shirts.

Gonna wear this puppy with pride and dignity. Anyway, I had been waffling about whether or not to join the team, but I am SO glad that I did. Everybody is really nice, and even though I got out both times last night (had a sweet kick though... outfielder came out of NOWHERE and caught it!), I had a ball. Of course, we went out for drinks afterward. I had to leave around 11 or so, because I do have to go to work on Fridays. This guy, Gary, is probably the funniest person I have met in ages, and one girl, Morgan, seems really nice and we have really similar interests. She is a communications major, and she wants to do ecotourism in South America. That sounds like the best idea ever! It's good to know that now I have some friends, even if it's only Thursday nights. I also made a pretty sweet backup play. OH, AND WE FREAKIN' CRUSHED THE OTHER TEAM!! YEAAAAAAAAH.

In work news, I think I'm actually almost done developing my plan. It's like 8 pages long right now. I just have to fill in some goals/objectives, and further flesh out religious programs, scout programs, college programs, internet stuff, and evaluations. I met with the communications manager (she's the whole department) from the contracting company that runs all of my agency's facilities, and she was saying that when they were saying they wanted to get an intern to do this, she was really dubious, and thought it was a bit of a tall order for an *intern*, but she is amazed at the work I am doing! We were supposed to just have a brief meeting this morning, but we ended up talking for almost 2 hours, and very little of it was business related. Oops. But, we were talking about how it seems like I'm almost writing a job for myself to return next year, since they'll need to hire somebody to administrate my programs.

... Which got me to thinking. Would I take a full time job here next year? I know my agency loves hiring former interns, and I really like my boss, and the people I work with are for the most part wonderful, and it would be doing the things I want to be doing... but I have hardly even considered going straight into the workforce. Unless, of course, that meant moving to Scotland and going straight into the work force. I just feel so hell bent on giving myself some time... "finding myself," whatever. I want to go abroad again. I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. This state frightens me a little bit, sometimes. I want so badly to get the Fulbright English teaching assistant job (that I REALLY need to start applying for now). I keep thinking about Teach for America. I spent all of high school thinking I wanted to be a teacher, but I don't know if I could do it. And the Peace Corps... that would be amazing. There are just too many things out there that I could do. I just don't know which ones will make me happy.

I feel far more adjusted and settled now. I'm still working on figuring out some things in my life and all that, but I have to admit it's getting better. It's getting better all the time. I'm looking forward to Summerfest, and I'm going to get to see Kathryn (and Mariella?!?!?) next weekend, so I'm excited about that, even if I'm not excited to drive across the freaking country (I hope hope hope a last min. fare will be available). My family might be coming up Sunday. That would be fun... there are a bunch of restaurants I've been wanting to try! Also, this weekend is Polish Fest and Lakefront Arts Fest, so I may try to hit those up, though, tomorrow morning I have to spend four hours at a farmers' market talking to people about rain barrels. AT LEAST I GET TO BE OUTSIDE!!! Maybe even pick up some delicious, delicious veggies. Yum.

one leap forward, two leaps back

It's pouring! I was enjoying spending mucho outside time the last few days, but today was just gross so I couldn't really go outside. I feel cooped up. Cabin FEVER. I took a bike ride yesterday that was pretty nice, since it was kind of chilly and I didn't feel like running. I went by a bunch of really cool places that I would like to hit up at some point.

I bought so much fruit yesterday. I'm excited to eat all of it. I made stir fry with tofu. So delicious. This blog is getting inane quickly. I felt like I had something to say yesterday, but I've forgotten what it was. I should write things down when I think of them, but I don't.

I need to start my thesis. I was supposed to have done my lit review by now, but I've barely started. Shit.

Still very few friends. Kickball starts tomorrow (if the weather doesn't keep being ridonk), and I'm pretty excited about that. Then, Friday night with Nick an his friends. My family might come this weekend. I hope they do. I think it's PolishFest this weekend. That should be delightful. Monday, the roomie and I are going to get a beer if the weather's nice and on Wednesday, we're doing trivia at the bar down the street. Had an intern field trip today, barely talked to anybody.

I have a meeting with a lot of the staff on Monday, and I'm a little scared. I don't know exactly how to do what I'm doing, and so I'm mostly just winging it (because they don't know what they're doing either. They know I don't really know what I'm doing, but still. Winging it.) and I'm afraid they will think it is dumb or something. Gotta get over that.

My aunt offered me tickets to Solid Sound Fest next week. If I had known earlier, I could maybe have afforded a plane ticket, but now I can't. Plus, I'm already going to Buffalo because we are putting grandpa's ashes in the ground. At least I will get to see Kathryn, and Mariella might come up from NJ. I haven't seen her in years and years. and YEARS.

Hopefully, I can get my last week off work. I realized that there is no effing way that I can manage the end work the 19th, be back at school on the 21st. I also want to visit one of my friends whom I haven't seen since I was in Scotland. I haven't seen so many friends in so long. So sad. SO sad.

I think I drive people away from me sometimes. I say dumb things that I tend not even to mean, really. Shit gets weird. Friends go away. Wop wop. I can always sense that change right before you know you're never going to hear from the person again, and I think that we might have gone over that brink, which is a shame, because I counted the individual in question as a great friend. I am stupid. The end.

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

lesson of the day: how to get unwanted stares at the beach

1) go to your normal job at your office, dressed for work. this includes high heeled oxfords.
2) check your calendar, notice that somebody who is not your supervisor has scheduled a field trip for you that afternoon.
3) accept field trip request because it's such a nice day
4) drive to field site with not-actually-supervisor
5) walk across beach with man who is old enough to be your father, and who is also wearing office clothes. remember, you are wearing heels in sand.
6) revel in the awkwardness.

So, that field trip reminded me of how much I wanted to go to the beach for real. So as soon as I got home from work, I put on my bathing suit, and of course spent half an hour debating whether or not I could actually go out in public wearing it. I settled on putting some shorts and a tank top over it. The shorts were a little short for biking, so, uh, I probably mooned half of Milwaukee. But I mean, I was wearing swim bottoms, so it was okay.

The weather was just amazing. Truly gorgeous. I sat on the beach for a few hours reading and watching some cute boys play volleyball (they were REALLY bad though!). I should have gotten a beer. That would have been refreshing. Anyway, then I rode back to my apartment (the hill from the beach up is craaazy man) and realized that I am terribly out of shape, since I was winded after that one hill. Hopefully, by the end of the summer I will be SUPER FIT. I think I'll go for a run tomorrow, if the weather continues to be so nice. I realized that my Chicagoland YMCA card does not, in fact, work in Milwaukee. So I'm thinking about joining Anytime Fitness, as it is right across the street. However, my roommate works at the JCC so I could go with her and work out for free, but our schedules don't line up too well. Convenience, convenience. I really want to be strong again. I miss my throwing days, not that I was actually that strong or anything, but I could lift up a lot more things back then.

We're gonna build something this summer.

Yesterday was beyond delightful. Andrea, Lemons, Tara, and I went out to Emmett's for drinks. Emmett's brews some mighty fine beer, if'n I do say so myself. If any of you communicated with me yesterday, you probably experienced some of my drunken antics. I do apologize. But it was really the best time I've had since returning from Scotland in December. Andrea is moving to New Zealand in a week, which is just about the saddest thing ever. Okay, exaggeration. But anyway, all my friends are going soooo far away! Or are already so far away. I guess that I kind of also intend to be far away after I graduate, but I don't know if I would want to go right away. I mean, I really, really, really want to get back to Edinburgh, but will all my friends be there after they graduate? None of them is actually from Edinburgh... Have I just made it this idealized place? I was thinking about that this morning. In any case, if I miraculously found a job there after I graduated, I would almost certainly take it.

I like that I am leaving my apartment more and more. I'm starting a kickball league on Thursday. I suppose I'd better learn the rules. Figure it'll be a good way to meet some cool folks! My parents are probably coming up this weekend, which should be swell.

I'm exhausted. Today was quite the day. I hope tomorrow brings more of the same :)

We've Got to Stay Positive (Or, There are Clearly too Many References to the Hold Steady in my Life)

I have a goal for the summer. It is a very small goal, but I think it will make a huge difference in my life. It has been a goal of mine for such a long time, but now I am very, very committed. I listen to myself complaining to my friends, my family, people whom I have just met. I need to stop. I hear myself, and I try, but once you pop, you just can't stop.

Here are the facts: I have my wonderful family, I have an apartment, I have a cool roommate, I have a job, I have a car, I have the best friends I could ever ask for (so they are scattered across the US and the UK, and very few happen to be in my direct geographic locality, but they are amazing nonetheless). I want to thank all of you for putting up with my negativity and still being willing to be my friend. I absolutely do not deserve your patience. But I am going to try very hard to stop it, because I am sick of myself.

Last night was Relay for Life. It came at the end of a (no good very bad terrible) horrible day, that was only horrible by my internal exaggeration. There's a lyric in a Hold Steady (of course) song, "It's not always a positive thing/to see a few seconds into the future." Every time I do something, the possible negative outcome(s) immediately pops into my head. When this happens, that usually becomes the end result, as implausible as it may seem. Am I sabotaging myself? Is there really power to positive thinking? Who knows, but perhaps it is worth a try. I embarrassed myself today, then I spent the entire drive home from Milwaukee steaming about it, and preying on my unfortunate ramble victims (you know who you are and I love you all).

I didn't really want to come home, surprisingly, but I'm glad I did. Last year, at Relay, during the Luminaria Lap, I never would have expected that one year later, I would be standing in front of both my grandmother and my grandfather's luminaria. Without my even saying it, my mom exactly echoed my thought while we stood staring dumbly at the two tiny white paper bags, lit with glow sticks on the track at my old high school. Of course, I was crying. I couldn't find Jeff. I was upset. After walking once more around the track with my mom, he was there in front of the luminaria. The three of us stood there hugging and crying for a long time. It doesn't seem real, still, to me. In two weeks, we are finally going to bury my grandfather's ashes. Those of you who were my readers during my time in Scotland will recall that he died in November. The ashes aren't going to be able to go in the place he requested. I don't know how I feel about the whole thing. Sometimes I take out a pen and a piece of paper to start writing a letter, and then I remember that I can't. Anyway, Relay is always an amazing and heartwarming experience, as much as I complain about how inevitably cold and miserable the weather is. Jeff's band played, and raised $50 by saying that their bassist would take off his shirt when enough money came in. That sounds slightly less than legal, but hey, money for cancer research is good. I have to write thank you notes to the people in my office at Agency X whom I do not know, but donated to me anyway. Then I have to find their offices. Such nice people.

After experiencing some westbound MKE traffic, I don't want to have to drive to Minneapolis for Independence Day. While it would be nice to spend it with the family, I'd have to drive at least 12 hours over my three day weekend, and the gas would still cost at least $100. I could take that money and put it towards visiting Kathryn (we realized the other day that we have been best friends since the second day of kindergarten- awwww) in Rochester, or going to DC, or visiting another friend in Colorado (a place I have ALWAYS wanted to go and never been). I wish I would have some free time this summer, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to get out much earlier than the 19th, and my pre-fall term class is the miraculous entity that will allow me to graduate on time.

I think my brain is dying. I've been leaving my water bottle at home, forgetting to put my lunch in the fridge, and doing other stupid things. I had a whole tray of vegetable seedlings to bring my mom, and I left them on my desk at the office. I remembered my toothbrush, but I forgot to bring home my deodorant. I forgot to bring work clothes home with me so I may have to go home Sunday night instead of going straight to work Monday morning. I go to the grocery store to buy something specific, and forget to buy it. I come home and want to bring something specific back, and don't remember it. I drive somewhere and have no idea how I got from point A to point B. I've always been a scatterbrain, but I feel this is extreme and I dislike it immensely.

I've been having some self-image issues lately. On the one hand, I feel like I have been looking pretty good lately (though, I haven't been losing total weight, it seems). My face looks older (in a good way), and less round, and my hair has been really nice lately, aside from the ridiculous humidity. But my seeming inability to make friends has made me question myself, or my approach to talking with people, or something like that. On the other hand, my boss at Agency X has had nothing but great things to say about my work. He looked at my initial outline and said he loved it and I was full of great ideas, and then again, today, he told me how impressed he was with my work from yesterday, and he's adding me on to another important project.

I need to go to a concert soon. I need to start dancing again. I don't ever feel as good or as beautiful as I do when I'm dancing. The last time I went, one of the best dancers there said I was a great follow, and I could feel myself improving as the night went on. Having not danced for about a year before that, I was just beaming at the praise. I missed an opportunity to dance on Wednesday night while I was being an idiot. I need to live a little. I'm going to stay positive.

Hey Remember That Time...

I am CONSTANTLY losing this story, so it shall be here forever.

I didn't even see the box fly out of your grip and across the room until it hit me square in the forehead. Remember that day? We were drunk and I needed a smoke so I asked you but you only had Kools and frankly, those are shit. I know I ask you for a lot, but you said you'd do anything for me as long as I did your laundry, so I thought asking you to go down to the gas station and buy me some Parliaments would be fine, but I guess not. All those days of football with the guys had really improved your arm since I met you and that nearly full box struck me square in the forehead and instead of pain, I felt anger and hate and the walls blurred (it could have been because I was wasted, but I'll always blame it on you) and I fell. When I got up, you were standing over me with puppy eyes, but I didn't care, I hated you, so I ran. Well, first i rolled over and pulled myself up and smacked you, but then I climbed out the window of the apartment and ran down the fire escape, because the elevator wasn't fast enough to get away. I was barefoot and I stepped on glass (probably from one of our late nights out there) and the rain poured down, washing the blood away as I descended. But I never got to the bottom. I saw a huddled mass of feathers a few floors below me and slowed down, ninety percent from exhaustion (when you're drunk, six floors is a long way to climb down, but I've always been one for the dramatic exit) and ten percent from curiosity. I didn't want to touch it, so I sat there, trying to decide what to do, which was lucky, I guess, because it gave you time (the knight in shining armor that you are) to catch up with me. By that time, I had picked up the bird in my arms and discovered its broken wing and all the while my foot bled more until it was numb and I ceased to notice the pain. You picked us both up (the bird and me, I mean) and carried us down the rest of the fire escape silently; it was not a time for words. You brought us into the lobby and carried us up the stairs, because the elevator wasn't fast enough. I don't know why I let you take me, but it was probably because I was tired and drunk and hurt, but (even though I don't want to) I believe I will always love you even if you are a worthless drunk who can't even get me the right brand of cigarettes.